Have you ever fell into a trance or serious day dream while driving and snapped out of it a mile or two down the road and then wondered how you managed to stay on the road without crashing? I know I have. Maybe I’m the only one? I’ll snap back into reality and my presence there in the car and wonder in amazement how I managed to stay in my lane when my mind clearly wasn’t on the road. I was in an entirely different place mentally and yet somehow my body still maintained control of the car. Yet we are taught that our minds control the movement of our bodies, so how is this possible?
Throughout my life, I feel as though I should have died behind the wheel at least a hundred times. Looking back on it, it’s disgusting and scary. How many people didn’t get the chances that I got. Driving home night after night in a complete alcohol fueled blackout. Waking up in my house, or my car or someone else’s house not remembering how I even got there. Driving in a full heroin nod, or shooting cocaine and heroin while driving up the highway. Then there was methadone. In spite of the craziness listed above, my methadone drives were by far the biggest miracle behind the wheel.
I was on methadone for a little over a year, an extremely high dose, as well as prescribed benzo’s. For the second half of my methadone treatment I had been on a state run program in downtown Bel Air, MD. From my house in Abingdon, there was a quicker back way to the clinic that consisted of a few miles of long winding backroads through the forest. Every morning I would nod out behind the wheel on the way to the methadone clinic on these backroads In a full blackout, and I would snap out of it miles down the road amazed that I was still on the road and not in a ditch somewhere. It was completely mind-boggling how I stayed alive. I jeopardized my life and other people’s lives every single day. Other people aren’t nearly that lucky. I was amazed back then in my fog of drug use and numbness, but am even moreso amazed now that I can look back at those times of insanity with clarity of mind.
There are two ways to explain away those types of instances in our lives. There is science, and then there is God. Science will tell us that somehow our instincts took over and our body, which is remotely controlled by our mind, went into a form of autopilot while our mind went on a potty break. The other argument is that God took over the wheel. Both sound crazy, right? According to the physical laws of the world as we know it the entire situation seems unbelievable, yet I’ve seen these miracles at work hundreds if not thousands of times in my life. Sure maybe my mind left and my body went into autopilot, but who put it there. If my body takes orders from my mind, then who was giving my body orders while my mind was on vacation?
I tend to believe in God AND science and rather then pitting them against each other, I’m able to see how they work together congruently. If there is a God, then he did in fact create science, so why would they ever be at odds? I tend to be a man of common sense AND a man of faith. There are some things that just cannot be explained by only one or the other. Half of my life of active addiction falls into this category of the unexplained.
Much like the famous poem “Footprints in the sand”, where there were two tracks of footprints in the sand walking along the beach to signify where God had walked with a man throughout his life, there were times where there were only one set of footprints. The man turned to God and said “there’s only one set of footprints here, why did you abandon me?”, and God replied “I didn’t, that’s where I carried you.”
Those times behind the wheel are just one instance of me being carried by my God. There are some things that just cannot be explained away, this is where we need faith to understand that there is a power greater than ourselves at work. When we finally get clean we pay our respects to that power, we owe that power our life, and we serve that power. That power represents life, love, and everything good in this world. Those of us who were spared were spared for a reason: to be lighthouses that reflect the light that brought us safely to shore, and to do the same for all those others lost at sea.
HeatherMarch 29, 2019 - 12:39 pm ·
Your ability to be so honest and make it read worthy at the same time makes me so jealous! I too suffered from drug addiction and have done many things I am not proud of and am for sure No ONE would want to read! Possibly because I haven’t yet forgiven myself for so many of those things that I don’t dare to say them out loud let alone put on paper! I admire your strength and appreciate the fact that you’re willing to share! Makes me feel less alone somehow! So thanks!
flawedsunMarch 29, 2019 - 8:39 pm ·
Thank you, and don’t doubt your story. It’s yours own it and since you’ve changed it be proud of it! Someone could surely benefit from it
Ashley CMarch 29, 2019 - 9:44 pm ·
I think about this a lot myself. So so so so many times I would make it home blacked out. Always thought a DUI or serious car wreck would be what would take me down, and even though i went down, that wasn’t how, I didnt’ even have my car with me when I finally got busted which still surprises me to this day. God has a plan! For me I think God knew that a DUI wouldn’t have stopped me long term.
Lynne ShepardMarch 29, 2019 - 9:49 pm ·
It’s clear that God had/has a greater purpose for your life! He is in control every step of the way even when you are/were fighting him. You are such a blessing to so many. I can’t wait to read your book.
ShariMarch 30, 2019 - 8:16 am ·
I have zoned out when driving more times than I can remember and while mine were never drug induced, I have always wondered how I survived some of those drives. It always scared me to think that not only could I have died but I could have killed someone else but at the moment, it wasn’t something I could control. I like your take on the connection between God and science. Is that what saved us both. I guess we will never know but whatever it was, I am eternally grateful.
ChristinaApril 1, 2019 - 1:11 pm ·
Have def taken a mind potty break while driving. Boggles my mind each time. Now if I could let that happen during stressful moments, hours or days and let God take the wheel instead of my own, fearful, unfocused emotions. Grateful for his mercies and grace. Its beautiful to witness you making the best of your life past drugs and street life to bring heaven and recovery to earth in Jesus’ name.