Life should be lived to the fullest, but for some of us certain hours, days, weeks or even seasons are spent merely trying to survive the nightmare within our own minds and bodies.  We must find whatever coping mechanisms, or tricks to manage our inner turmoil.  

Mine is anxiety and depression but mostly anxiety.  I thank God for my anxiety/panic disorder.  I don’t know why I have it or where it came from.  It is the worst experience I can ever imagine, and the sheer terror behind it is unexplainable.  The fear, emptiness, panic, restlessness, physical symptoms, inability to sleep, hyper awareness, heart palpitations, and want for death are terrifying.  It comes at me randomly and for no reason, there is never a catalyst or a cause that I can pin point.  Most people that I know that suffer from anxiety attacks get them when they are stressed or overwhelmed or facing situations that cause immense fear.  Mine just come randomly and for no seemingly good reason.  I’ve spent countless days and nights digging trying to track down the root cause of mine but to no avail.  I’m told that its just a chemical imbalance, and a misfiring in my brain.  Whatever it is, its hell on earth.  My life could be near perfect and yet when it comes it breaks me and leaves me praying for death.  And yet, I’m thankful for it.

I’m thankful for my anxiety because it has saved my life.  It keeps me on track, and makes me the man I am today.  It humbles me, and grounds me.  It keeps me reigned in, and the sheer fear of it helps guide me along my path making the next right decision at almost every moment.  My anxiety, and the fear behind it won’t let me make decisions that will possibly bring it back.  My anxiety keeps me on a honest path towards God.  My anxiety is my biggest blessing and my greatest curse.  The fear of suffering the mental hell that my anxiety brings keeps me tugging at Gods coattails and makes me a humble servant of his.  My anxiety keeps me drug and alcohol free, it stops me from being too arrogant or cocky, from cheating on my woman or hurting those I love.  It keeps me grounded at all times for fear that it may once again arise.  It tells me that I’m not worthy of this life that I’ve been given and that everyday I live is a gift.  My anxiety has my heart palpitating now as I describe it and reminds me that at any time it can take a hold of me.  

For this I am extremely humbled.  It is because of this I do everything I can to serve and help others, to serve my God and do his bidding.  I do as much as I can to earn favor with my own soul to keep my anxiety away.  I try to make as much of a positive impact on this world and the living things in it because my anxiety has humbled me to do so.  If it wasn’t for my affliction I may still be living a purposeless life.  I don’t know about you, but I’m a hard head, I’m stubborn, and I learn no lessons in life the easy way, as evidenced by my past.  It is through the extreme fear of my panic and anxiety that I have been humbled and taught.  My disorder…..my fear, is my strongest teacher.  It has reigned me in and given me purpose, it has broken me and made me a humble servant.  It has rattled and shaken my body but given life to my spirit.  Because of that I am thankful and I welcome it.  I welcome every bit of pain and misery that comes with it, knowing that it will help me grow into a better man, a better soul, a better expression of love, a better role model, fiance, son, and friend.  Without it, I’m not sure what kind of person I’d be.

It is in this gratitude for my worst plague that I learn to still fear it but to have a fearful appreciation of it.  Almost a reverse psychology of sorts.  I know it is a necessary evil in my life, and so I welcome every ounce of pain that it brings.

One thing I have learned from experience, it is the best of us who suffer from anxiety and panic attacks.  You must have a big heart and strong feelings, you must be the anti-thesis of a socio-path, you must be an empathetic soul to suffer from anxiety and panic.  You are a true child of God.  I know it hurts, and it’s scary and its painful, but try to learn to appreciate it and realize how special you truly are.  I love you.